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Existentialism 101
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Lezzies On X
Sleater-Kinney
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| *svefn-g-englar* sigur rós |
| 06.24.05 (12:30 am) |
so. still here. how the hell did that happen?....don't ask.
still wanting to get out so bad i could scream though :)
writing more songs than ever was necessary...but the only instrument i can play is the trumpet. kinda makes me wanna eat a baby on a spike (bad vegetarian...bad.) no really, they're great songs, & i can sing like mad...in some strange sense. you'd definitely have to be a professional wallflower to get any of it. someone should. at least one someone. that'd be enough i think. sample...
"everything i'll ever write is in anticipation
of events that have yet to happen
and just may they never will
everything i've ever known is because i want
something old to happen
is there a medium hell honey i'll take a small
it might cut off circulation to my heart but after all..."
holy mumblin': ex libris, o5
yeah...'ex libris.' a joke on my part...just think about it. it'll come to you. i hope ("my only mistake is i'm hoping...")
enough of that now. maybe some bed. or couch rather...
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| *jack the ripper* morrissey |
| 01.12.05 (3:42 am) |
been a bit hasn't it? eh...s'not like anyone reads this anyways. FINALLY (finally finally) finished outlining the sleeve. and i mean...ow.
um...
still gonna try london this spring...prolly need to start all that visa/passport shite and get it outta the way. blah.
been reading loads...breton and stephenson and wilde mainly. some c.s. lewis i hasn't seen in ages, ladida.
school again (drear) but at least i'm not aleeping all day.
things have happened, but they're stupid and blah so no.
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| *napoleon* ani difranco |
| 12.23.04 (9:31 pm) |
eeeeeeeeeh. just eh. i don't even wanna go into cos i'm royally SICK of going into it. in short, afore-mentioned boy is no more. don't ask. cos...i shall not answer.
listening to loads of lesbo rock to ease my sorrows. especially l.o.e. and the butchies and things.
xmas...will be bad. of this i am sure. cos A) i still have a $300 fine to pay from the texas stint, and B) my relatives...who always promise to show for xmas and never do...actually did. their greatest joys in coming here are hinting around at how little i've done w/ my life, and at how poor we are. ok so we're not poor...but on the class scale of things i guess we're lower-middle. i pretend to be upper-middle but what i aspire to be is middle-middle (if anyone knows what i just quoted i'll eat a sock.)
i was watching tv today (out of my norm) and there was this bit on xmas in london, and i nearly puked. i was so infernally jealous. hence, this new year's resolution will not be to lose weight, or quit smoking (neither of which have ever happened,) but that the next xmas i spend will be in london. in a happy state, no less. so help me GOD...or mizzes god...or whoever.
lol oh yeah...i spent 2 hours of yesterday in a ditch in heavy snowfall. i careened off the insterstate, down a huge slope, almost flipped, and landed in a ditch. luckily, neither me nor my lil sis were injured, but boy were we 63 kinds of irate. people kept on passing in their F-150's and 250's and things and were just staring at us as if to say...."daaaaaaaamn." and KEPT ON DRIVING! *sigh* we cursed several vehicles w/ the pox (but then its not so easy to get the pox these days...) before a silverado, complete w/ cross-eyed redneck angel of mercy, stopped and pulled us out. merry fucking xmas!
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| *a favor house atlantic* coheed & cambria |
| 12.20.04 (8:29 pm) |
reading 'the long dark teatime of the soul' by the late douglas adams. he would've soooooo liked co&ca. cos he was just that kinda guy. god bless doug *sigh*
my 3 sad cats are running all about and knocking things over. i want to hurt them w/ sticks.
oh yeah, i met someone. or more like re-met someone. we're together (again) which is nice seeing as he's the one guy i can never get outta my head. we're so indiepunkpop it's not even funny anymore. we write drunken offlines saying glorified 'hi's. we both laugh at dogs w/ human names. things like that. these things mean love. this is the guy...who i'll be sitting there one day watching 'coronation street' w/...and who will then look over absently and say 'oh yeah, you wanna get married?'...and then we will. cos things work that way w/ us. la.
some tube in my head is swollen. hurts like a beast. i can't even swallow. upon reflection, that sounded bad. i don't really care.
good eye sniper. now i shoot and you run.
bye bye beautiful.
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| *stuck in the middle w/ you* stealers wheel |
| 12.18.04 (9:57 pm) |
so. we (my friends brit, matt and i) decided we'd road trip to texas(which i live no where near) bad motherfuckin idea. not only did i get arrested (bloody weed) and spend a night in the pokey, we had to use all the money we had for the trip to bond me out. not to mention, the guys we followed to texas? suggested that they leave me there til bail was something affordable...no. i'm not kidding. those bastards *sigh*
jail was...interesting. i slept through most of it, but the cops weren't dicks. we exchanged a lot of chappelle show monologue. all in all...blah. just fuck texas man. 'specially rusk county cos the cells have no heaters...but they do have a thermometer to tell you exactly how cold you are (45 effin degrees.)
la.
i wanna kill a party clown.
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| *cat fight* the gossip |
| 12.13.04 (7:18 am) |
last night i got pulled over. this wouldn't be out of the ordinary anywhere else, but this is rison. i've known the cops here since i was 2. but they decided they needed new blood it seems, and got some anal retentive cock to replace havis (yes havis.) in short (ha) he pulled me over for "squealing tires." i say this is quotation marks cos my music was up...and i never heard any squealing. so i told him i didn't realize i'd done it (entirely true) and he told me not to "insult his intelligence" (at this point i shoulda said "i wouldnt usually, but as you have yet to show me that you posess any it's actually kind of inadvertant." but alas, i was struck dumb by badge terrar.) he did let me off when i promised i wouldnt do it again. but dammit...*grumbly* made me 15 minutes late for that thingy in montik(c)ello...it was ok.
we're going to henderson this weekend for frat-party fun. i only wonder how much fun. date rape is not fun, but ramming a rohypnol flavored dildo down some frat boy's throat could be.
wow. sorry bout taking ya'll down that verbal trail of doom...*toothless grin...redneck tree...shudder*
today is the day that we draw on my skin! shelley and fairy will live under the phoenix on my right arm *fuzzy warmpth*
oh yeah, RIP Dimebag.
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| *angel pumping gas* the postal service |
| 12.12.04 (10:58 am) |
so rison won the 2A state championships last night. WOO!...ok. enough school spirit for one day dontcha think?
yep.
also last night i finally bought andre breton's 'nadja' (surrealist romance...woo!) and saw the worst possible german b...wait z-film ever. the budget was seriously almost non-existant. they made masks out of tin foil for chrissakes. but dammit that was some of the best low-budget gore ever (they ripped a dude face off! w/ HOOKS!) the best bit was that it had these incredibly blatent nazi references (the experimental mad doctor actually sported a hitler-esque mustache.) also the HORRENDOUS dubbing. i mean really really really bad. but hell, if by some miracle you ever get the chance to see 'really violent shit 3' (renamed 'zombie of doom' in the states) do. the director is andreas schnaas. god save his soul.
nothing music-wise today. entirely too blah.
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| *will my feet still carry me home* elf power |
| 12.09.04 (8:25 am) |
so i didn't colour anything last night, cos things were busy. blah. we're doing it monday. and we're not doing colours yet anyways, we're still outlining and then we're starting the shading. the top will be so woo. we're putting shelley and the fairy in...not punkins. and also a 'no onions' emblem (damn thee, onions) and a slushie (an orange one) and...um. stuff i suppose. choo-choo bear maybe...and something QC related.
we did go watch people play cards and get blitzed. so everything was a-ok.
my sister has an xmas concert tonight. i was verbally bitch-slapped into going. 13 y/o's are harsh, and i'm a wimp. what can i say?
oh, and as far as finding anyone decent goes, the entire planet appears to be conspiring against me. nooch.
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| *17 years* ratatat |
| 12.08.04 (8:34 am) |
i am going to cut my own hair. i am doing it today. i know, i know. this is sure to be a disaster. i will end up w/ some truly despicable hair and despise myself for even thinking about it in the first place. but alas...i'm bored *grin*
if you never pay attention to another header, make this your last. ratatat's awesome...particularly that song (infectious i tell you.) they played NYC w/ le tigre...i missed it. shoot me.
(ALSO!)
today i will finish colouring in my shleeve. s'not a sleeve yet, more of a gauntlet on my right arm. its all comic images and things. speckle, yet kind of dark (nny is on my elbow...bonus points for anyone who knows who that is.) the upper half'll be more WOO! i think. definite woo-age. *sigh* dad's gonna be so pissy
for the record, hallucinogens and sleep-deprivation are bad ideas when shaken and stirred. the elephants were skiing. fuckers.
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| *king of the carrot flowers pts. 2-3* neutral milk hotel |
| 12.07.04 (9:25 am) |
"you're turning into a music nerd," my friend told me. this struck me as funny, seeing as how he's always listening to me blather on about writing music and making it etc etc. musicianism kinda requires music-nerdicity. and i said so and he felt somewhat dumb. he retaliated by finding a decent boyfriend, which certainly left me downhearted and victory-less.
the good men all speak norwegian w/ an accent. damn them.
songtitle has been stuck in my head for however long its been since i last posted. cos i love you, jesus christ. yes i do.
watching 'the royal tenenbaums,' wondering why everyone i talk to says this movie is shite. s'infuckingcredible. 'rushmore' was awesome too. i would hump wes anderson's leg for a bag of stale funyuns :| i like tarantino too, but i'd have to seriously ponder that particular leg-humping.
re-reading some baudelaire. i didn't even know prose poetry had a name till i read his. i just called em 'thingies.'i guess i'll post one someday. some of em are kinda grim tho. ok...most of em are kinda grim. i didn't mean for them to be. "they were meant to be ambiguous!" (i practically screamed at my rhetortic & writing professor.) "you failed miserably" (he replied w/ a grin of meanness.)
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| *happy & bleeding* p.j. harvey |
| 12.06.04 (3:22 pm) |
scatterbrained: (n) a flighty, thoughless, disorganized sham of a human being who feeds the animals at the zoos knowing that they certainly shouldn't (loose summary of definition via dictionary.com.)
...or maybe just someone who makes a 2 hour drive to visit a friend on low gas, only to realize that she's left her wallet at home 45 minutes into said trip. yeah. one of those moments in which you're so angry you start laughing uncontrollably...
i solved this problem (tell me you figured out it was me, or i shall whip you with a slim jim :|) by donating plasma. it felt pitiful and almost hookerish, but it was straight up the easiest $100 i ever made.
as a result of said $100, there are books *squirmy puppy dance*
speaking of books, (in the mail) today i got john allison's 'scare-o-deleria' and 'girlspy.' they're ultra-spiffy. not only cos the stories are ones that are not on the intra-net, but cos there are swears *warm fuzziness*
now usually, swears are nought but low grade humor, and the grammatical crutch of today's general populus. but john makes em magical...as only an indie-brit-man can *resisting massive urge to type the word 'can' 42 times*
(i just edited all my posts. i do this compulsively. someone save me from myself.)
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| *e's and whizz* pulp |
| 12.05.04 (11:06 am) |
nothing has really changed. i may've found someone to trip to europe w/ me so i won't be all alone. which is nice. i really don't want to inadvertantly be targeted by the (insert some nationality) mafia. and when left to my own devices...that or something like it is usually what goes down. i'm obese on punishment.
i was being hypocritical and throwing a tantrum here earlier. look at me...all abandoning my principles = holiday fun.
but yeah, i'm not bitching anymore. i'm just taking whatever as it comes. woo.
working w/ music....woo woo?
done rambling...i'll go...capture a lemur or something productive.
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| *personal jesus* depeche mode |
| 12.03.04 (4:27 pm) |
(this was different...but last night got better.)
not only did i go get messy drunk at hot rod's but i also got 'schooled' by my ex-fiancee. i'd have been upset if it weren't hilarious. in short i'm a "triflin' bitch." owch ;)
oh, and i hate people. not all people. just white people.
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| *untitled 4* sigur ros |
| 12.01.04 (4:55 pm) |
britt came over and cleaned w/ me. we drove around...stoned...w/ 2 of our friends (on whom we had to wait to get out of football practice for 25 minutes :|) and ate pizza. i found a skirt in a cereal box...actually it was mailed to me in that fashion. i thought it was worth mentioning.
i dig the instance in the middle of titlesong when the piano solo (keyboard but whatever) kicks in for all of 15 seconds. it's the shortest bit of a song that's made me want to cry the longest.
on a different note...i swear i'm not half so hormonal as i sound. i'm just very passionate about particular things (like parentheses. ;)
i backed into a man's bumper today. actually it could have been a woman's, i didn't see. i didn't do any damage, and didn't leave a note...should i feel dreadful? i don't really think so. i know good and well that i'm shit at parallel parking...wonder why i decided to try it today.
also found $20 on the floor at the gas station. yay karma.
(i have 2 issues *clears throat*)
issue A: blogs are pretty fucking pointless now. some of em are gravy, true. but i'm most certainly getting fed up w/ those blogs that are just long-assed tantrums. i'm pissed that i've been here for (maybe) 3 days and have yet to find more than 5 people seriously interesting. i long for decent conversations. *sigh*
issue B: does anyone really care anyway?
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| *copycat* ajm04 |
| 11.30.04 (2:56 pm) |
oh, how i wanna be a good woman
& mend those misfortunes all buried deep
stand in someone elses shoes and stare down at my feet
but the ships are gone a-sailing
and i can't see down the deep
oh, how i wanna see a sign
something written in your writing in the snow
but the ones we see are vague & hit the stoplights
& i found our conversations dear
it's 4 oh no i have to go
tell me is it so bad
i can't be sorry that i'm glad
cos you're far out there & wond'ring
& i'm stuck here in this wanting
and i'd do anything to simply
oh how i wanna be a good woman
& mend those misfortunes all buried deep
stand in someone elses shoes and stare down at my feet
but the ships are gone a-sailing
and i can't see down the deep
so how effing pitiful are 3 posts a day? (no...i don't sleep a lot. tea makes me peppy.) i dunno...i think a lot. thoughts have to emerge (earlier there was another word that i could not spell :|) somehow. rambling is most effective for me. writing hurts my hands (i'm 18 w/ ARTHRITIS. wtf man...but then why doesn't typing hurt? eh...c'est la vie.)
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| *the good old days* the libertines |
| 11.30.04 (6:01 am) |
and then some mornings one wakes up and just doesn't want to be there anymore. it's not because anything drastic is different, but because one realizes that in all liklihood it will never change. this depresses one...ok maybe two. the worst bit is not knowing what to do i guess. cos i really really dislike not knowing what to do. for it being so disliked, its amazing how many times a minute i have no clue...bloody inadvertant rhyme scheme.
so i was reading 'no exit' by jean-paul sartre. that's life, or something like it. this, for all those who have no clue *hug...it'll be ok* is the play in which sartre declared that "hell is other people." basically 3 people in a room for all eternity, torturing one another inadvertantly. kinda where i'm stuck at the moment. woooo....
oh in last nights intramble, i forgot to mention that i'm moving abroad in february. for no one but me...i promise ;) england. yeah yeah yeah...give me shit for it, they have good history, and i have yet to acquire the status of bilinguality. mainly the history *warm fuzziness.*
i'm sick of having no one to talk to...worst part being that when i DO talk to people...i just kind of sit there and drool down my chin. it's like i contract bloody down's syndrome for as long as any one person cares to speak. i'm socially retarded i tell you. (ex;) some guy walked up to me on the street the other day and asked if he could bum a smoke. my response? stuttering incoherantly whilst trying to hand him everything in my pockets except my smokes (which i realized were in the truck.)this was followed by an incoherant apology and many queries of "what was the question again?" when he had asked none. he looked at me frightenedly (new word!) & walked quickly in the other direction. yeah. just imagine what i'm like in major cities :|
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| *la vie en rose* edith piaf |
| 11.29.04 (8:52 pm) |
the least of my problems is that i'm a romantic. it's a big problem, but lesser in a wider scope. that i'm a romantic means that i am more gullible, trusting, and naive than most (this bothers me immensely.) THAT means i'm more susceptible to (in no particular order) death in general, mailing lists for starving children, complimentary clock/radios, and internet relationships. which i'm currently in one of. and it sucks. great...i can't even make my fake relationships work. and i thought i had a chance in the real world *giggle*.
and i don't. i have to be an artist or musician or revolutionary or something cos i'm simply not suited for anything else. not anything that nice people would call nice anyways. i play things, and write things, but it's a nuisance doing it on my own. i sound like...something. like i want to be cat power someday really ;)
currently i'm writing copious amounts of prose poetry...which i hope to get published eventually (SOON.)
i'm also knitting, playing piano, learning guitar, making stuff for xmas presents, working on some submin photography, contemplating black streaks in my red hair, reading everything i can on existentialism, taking online classes, and working a job that screams "CORPORATE WHORE!!!"...occasionally we go out to hot rod's and hold up the bar. oh and i spend an ungodly amount of time making tea. don't ask.
anyways today's rant had no true purpose. it was basically an introduction. hehe. sorry i didn't mention that sooner, cos now you feel all cheated. and dirty. please say hygiene doesn't burn. la.
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